Moving to lure yet more phone users away from the comfort zone that is a device with tactile feedback, Steve Jobs this week cut the price of the iPhone to two thirds of its launch price. In response to the furore from avid, but out of pocket Apple fans, Jobs was compelled to write an open letter to the masses.
So we read between the lines. Now we can bring you a decomposition of his letter - what he says, and what he means - or at least what we think he means.
To all you suckers out there:
I've had to delete hundreds of e-mails from followers of mine, upset about us cutting the iPhone price to two thirds of launch price after just two months. Unfortunately, I started reading one before I realised what it was, so now I'm compelled to respond.
Hear ye, for the lord speaketh...
Now that the early adopters are drying up, I decided to lower the price of the 8GB iPhone to what we originally intended to sell it at. My henchmen advised me well - there's one born every minute.
iPhone is a massively over-hyped product, and by stabbing our first two months-worth of iPhone customers in the back, we can really muster up some publicity for the device this holiday season.
The iPhone is a device delivered from the heavens itself. Man is barely worthy of possessing it, but I have decreed that everyone in the world shall own one. People the world over will flock to buy it at its new $399 price.
The second reason is this: Having been convincing people that our stuff is cool since the dawn of the universe itself, I'm getting good at it. I can always make sure plenty of people will shell out for a product before we introduce a lower price.
There is always something better around the corner, but you cannot wait around in this life. You must buy everything; be the best and make everyone envy you. Your bank manager will love you, and our shareholders will love us.
And even though I have every right to screw each and every one of you over, I'm still going to pacify you all with platitudes and meaningless preaching.
Oh, and we're going to encourage those of you stupid enough to pay $600 for a phone to go and buy even more stuff, because we know you'll do it. It will make our sales figures look ace, too.
We're still working out how to convince you to put the credit towards a second iPhone - or indeed the new iPod touch, which was probably the device you wanted in the first place (clever of us to hold off on it, just like the price cut, right?) - please send all ideas in on a postcard.
We want to reap in the cash from our valuable followers. Remember, when the iPhone battery breaks out of warranty, you'll have travelled a long journey and come to realise how great Apple is. Your payment for the repair of your iPhone will be considered an apology.
We graciously accept.
So there you have it. That's our interpretation of Steve Jobs' open letter to his angry customers. Although exactly what goes on in the mind of the demi-god, we cannot know.
One thing we can be sure of though, is that most of the poor, misguided, ripped-off, yet devoted customers will now be content again, knowing they can go spend even more money on Apple's wares.
When you're as cool as Apple, you can do no wrong.
